Trapped

I've been listening to Rosie's Lullaby by Norah Jones for all day. The soothing musics are just making me wondering.. There are so many words I want to say, but I couldn't really have someone right beside me to listen to what I want to say..

When people told me that I shouldn't really have done something that I wasn't really supposed to do. I'm thinking.. You may feel that way, but I'm not. Cos' at least I know that what I'm doing is good to me, I feel so right to do it. Ya, I know I could have done other things instead of, like example, diving.. I find that it's a piece of something that belongs to me, it's something that I would do for my entire life and it gives me a peace of my mind, even set me free from the tensions. You may think that it's not necessary, but you are not me, so I guess you might just do the same thing if you were me. In fact, you aren't. So, diving, is something I would live doing it.

Sometimes, I just need someone to be with me. Doing what I'm doing, not really have to talk to me or anything. Just being there, do what they want, be a living object (that's how I call it) that right in my sight. At least it makes me feel a little less alone. Cos' I know that there's someone around..

I don't know what's going wrong with me. I just think a lot about anything, especially in the middle of the silent night. Listening to a bitter song, wondering and writing down what in my big head. It makes me feel better by doing so. Sometimes, I wonder that is it a good thing or bad thing? Considering doing it makes me feel better, so, I think it's a good thing.. Cos' I won't mess up my life with nonsenses.. And I don't want to .

For some reasons, I want to have a few days getaway to the beach. It doesn't really matter if I'm going alone. I just want to go to beach, step on the sands, feel the winds, listen to the sound of waves hitting on the beach, have some drinks, enjoy the peace.. I know these make me feel better, but I just hardly materialize it when I'm so eager to do it in no time..

I'm like stuck in the middle of nowhere. Despite of doing what I'm supposed to do, I don't really enjoy doing it. It's something that I have to do, I have to complete.. and I'm doing it. Just that it can't give me what I really wanted. How long does it take me to where I want to be? I'm waiting, I'm taking actions.. still I don't get to see and have what I really wanted..

Come walk with me.. sing with me.. dance a little with me.. booze with me.. dive with me.. sit beside me.. Come be with me. I just need a right person to be with, not really have to be a partner, just a friend would do.. How long does it last? The feeling of needing someone.. It's been such hell to me, at some points, for sometimes.. But right now, all I can do is just close my eyes.. dream about what I couldn't be able to do.. Drifting around in dreams, and wish that the dreams.. would be granted soon.. real soon..


Written by,
Ryan Ng