Trapped

I've been listening to Rosie's Lullaby by Norah Jones for all day. The soothing musics are just making me wondering.. There are so many words I want to say, but I couldn't really have someone right beside me to listen to what I want to say..

When people told me that I shouldn't really have done something that I wasn't really supposed to do. I'm thinking.. You may feel that way, but I'm not. Cos' at least I know that what I'm doing is good to me, I feel so right to do it. Ya, I know I could have done other things instead of, like example, diving.. I find that it's a piece of something that belongs to me, it's something that I would do for my entire life and it gives me a peace of my mind, even set me free from the tensions. You may think that it's not necessary, but you are not me, so I guess you might just do the same thing if you were me. In fact, you aren't. So, diving, is something I would live doing it.

Sometimes, I just need someone to be with me. Doing what I'm doing, not really have to talk to me or anything. Just being there, do what they want, be a living object (that's how I call it) that right in my sight. At least it makes me feel a little less alone. Cos' I know that there's someone around..

I don't know what's going wrong with me. I just think a lot about anything, especially in the middle of the silent night. Listening to a bitter song, wondering and writing down what in my big head. It makes me feel better by doing so. Sometimes, I wonder that is it a good thing or bad thing? Considering doing it makes me feel better, so, I think it's a good thing.. Cos' I won't mess up my life with nonsenses.. And I don't want to .

For some reasons, I want to have a few days getaway to the beach. It doesn't really matter if I'm going alone. I just want to go to beach, step on the sands, feel the winds, listen to the sound of waves hitting on the beach, have some drinks, enjoy the peace.. I know these make me feel better, but I just hardly materialize it when I'm so eager to do it in no time..

I'm like stuck in the middle of nowhere. Despite of doing what I'm supposed to do, I don't really enjoy doing it. It's something that I have to do, I have to complete.. and I'm doing it. Just that it can't give me what I really wanted. How long does it take me to where I want to be? I'm waiting, I'm taking actions.. still I don't get to see and have what I really wanted..

Come walk with me.. sing with me.. dance a little with me.. booze with me.. dive with me.. sit beside me.. Come be with me. I just need a right person to be with, not really have to be a partner, just a friend would do.. How long does it last? The feeling of needing someone.. It's been such hell to me, at some points, for sometimes.. But right now, all I can do is just close my eyes.. dream about what I couldn't be able to do.. Drifting around in dreams, and wish that the dreams.. would be granted soon.. real soon..


Written by,
Ryan Ng

Connecting and disconnected

Year by year.. People come into our life just like Touch n' Go. Some stayed and some left. When we looked back to where we were, we somehow will reminisce the great times we spent together among with our friends. We will miss that, but we didn't really ask for that to be happened again, for some reasons. Cos' there's a long period of disconnection between us..

Think about it.. Did they leave us? Or we, ourselves, are actually the one who have left them?

In times, we will find that there are some people who are always around us. We share most of the hardships and joys together, have real great moments like we ever had.. So, we somehow stick together, like forming a group of few people. Sooner or later, the other people will categorize us as a group. Whatever gathering we would have, we would gather all the group members and show up together. When the bond is getting stronger, we even plan for the future. Where and when shall we go for a vacation? and even imagine that would we still be together as a group in the future..

Who would you call when you have something to tell or when you face some problems and you need a listener? You check your contacts full of hundreds or even thousands of numbers.. Scrolling up and down.. Who would you call eventually? The people who you would call, are the friends you needed the most. A friend in need, is a friend indeed. Don't it? :)

For me, I like to have good conversations with my friends. Even sometimes we were just gossiping, talking trash and making jokes.. If you feel good in the middle of the conversation, then it is. Sometimes, we just wish that the time hasn't come as we didn't want to end the good conversation we are having.. cos' this doesn't come easily!

For the friends (especially someone!) who live in some godforsaken place hundreds miles away from me. I just wish that we could meet up a.s.a.p. Chatting all day long just like what we used to. I hope all of you are well and safe.


Written by,
Ryan Ng

A crap about everything that happened in just one week

I'd been having a merry-go-around with all the craps that I brought to myself for months.. too much why.. A couple of day ago, I had a short conversation with my godbrother after we left the mall. Spitting out my problems with him..

He told me that :"From what I heard, you seem to be having problems. But in the end of your conversation, I think that you already have the solutions. I think what you need to do is just to take action. That's it!"

I was speechless and I acknowledged it for quite sometimes actually. Just that I didn't really take a single step forward. Fooling myself and wasting times. Well.. this is the truth at least.. I must waste no time, plan had been made, just start it already..
A lot of things happened in these few weeks, not only me, including the people I really care about. They are all trapped in hardship.. works, family, relationship and even some unavoidable-annoying-bullshits.. Exchanging point of view, unleashing the deep-down feelings and sharing. Hope they are well and safe every day :)

When we really take some time out to get to know what's happening to our dearest friends, we will find that there's always a story behind their smiley face.. Covered their sadden-looking inner with a happy face. But things always doesn't seem how it's supposed to be. That's why, I always say that we shouldn't take things for granted. Of course, we can't completely do so, cos' we're just human beings after all.. Just not to take 'every'things for granted. That's it.

Chinese New Year is so near as if I could touch it.. Well, soon enough, it comes and it goes.. At some points, I feel like this year is the year I should accomplish a big goal for myself. A big one.. I'm still figuring it out that what's the next big goal. It could be made up from many small goals.. I'm trying to accomplish them one by one.. It's not just about talking big and not doing a shit thing. I'm gonna take actions, in fact, I already have :)

I think I'm just back to who I was. Realized that I wasn't really being myself for sometimes for some reasons and I just got myself in hell again, but it wasn't that bad after all.. Cos' things seemed to change in a good way, I guess.. I have a rigid personality, but I'm not an egotism person.. At least I've been told that I'm sort of having 'rational egoism'.. That's pretty good, huh.. isn't it? lol..

Another night just gone by, another crap had been written.. Don't take it too personal and serious when you read my craps, cos I'm just sharing the craps. As I said before, you may not get what I'm getting at. (This gotta be the one last time I'm saying this, I'm fucking sick of saying it! =p)

Yet, to all the silent-craps-readers, I wish every single one of you A Happy Chinese New Year with all the good energies, well-spirits and happiness fall on ya.. For those who has a career, may you all be blessed with Superb Prosperous throughout the year! 'Ong ah!! Huat ah!! Better don't pokkai and get screwed by your boss ah!! (Screw them! Before they try to screw you!) LOL~
Ciao, people! xoxo


Written by,
Ryan Ng