Craps paraíso

'Ki Xiao!' (发飚)

2010-03-23T04:52:00.002+08:00

好想逃跑
逃到与世隔绝的地方
没有拥挤的人潮
没有高楼没有噪音
没有莫名其妙的规条

好想斯嚎
站在山顶上疯狂嚎叫
别管他妈的警告
尽情发泄尽情咆哮
所有烦恼通通去除掉

好想飞飙
时速两百五一路狂飙
感受那惊悚快感
只踩油门不看速表
勇闯直前的达到目标

人生就是那么疯狂
既害怕又享受刺激
既胆怯又想去尝试
没有什么事难以办到
有心有力才是最重要

常说人生短短几十年
你我会有多少个十年？
过去现在未来同时在跑
太多的烦恼会让人快臭老
去除烦恼尽情享受活出自我这才是王道!

-著-
黄瑞铭

Trash in my big head

2010-03-11T04:37:00.001+08:00

There was a time I believed that there're certain things I won't do in my life.
Well, that was just my belief few years ago.
In times, I did it bit by bit, one by one.
In the end, I've almost done it all.
Still, I'm doing some of it for almost everyday.

How did I get that adventurous?
How did I take myself to this extent?
Was it because of I wanna be strong?
Was it my courage?
Or was it my 'kia su & kia si' nature? (Gotta be this!)

Normally I'm just a nerd who always doing silly shits and showing the dumb smile.
Holding back what I'm about to do, to say.
In times, I've changed, bit by bit, day by day.
I chose to say what I wanted to say.
Cos' I know it feels suck to get myself withheld with the shits!

How did I get so straight-forward?
How do I move on to this extent?
Had I offended some people by being straight-forward?
Did I feel sorry if I'd offended someone?
Wait a minute, ain't I just tell the fact??

Words that spoken, can never ever be taken back.
If you ask me have I ever felt sorry? Hmm.. Not likely..
All things said and all things done.
Look at me, I'm standing still, moving on.
Like I give a damn to those past?
No! Ain't no! Hell no! There's nothing to be regretted.
And I don't practice 'regret' in my entire fucking life for god's sake!
Well, from my p.o.v., swearing is kinda fun and 'syiok'!
Only provided using in the right time, at the right place and to the right persons!!
Isn't it?? :p

Written by,
Ryan Ng

求..不得..

2010-03-02T01:46:00.003+08:00

看不见夕阳的那几天
乌云密布得令人快窒息..
如果此时有个人在身边
想必不会感到那么的茫然.

一个人坐在星巴克..
一本书, 一杯摩咔, 一直不变
其实一点都不孤单很自然..
听着歌, 抽着烟, 又这样过了好几天..

一声叹气能够释放多少无奈?
一根香烟能够抽出多少感慨?
我想寻找的人何时才会出现?
人总是会有所求, 也因欲求..不得..
我也没那么的执著.. 唯知要向前走
不管多少年我还是得把梦想去实现

-著-
黄瑞铭

This is something that I wanted to tell to a person a week ago..

2010-03-01T22:43:00.002+08:00

Don't blame others, when something went wrong.
You had made the choice, and you should be aware of the consequences that lying within.
You presumed that it would be fine.
But when things went wrong, you're getting sad & mad.

Do you think, it's because of you taking it for granted?
You made the choice, you took things for granted with your murky assumptions, blinding and telling yourself that it would be fine.
When things went wrong, you started feeling defeated and frustrated.
You blamed everything and everyone else that you could blame off.

But in fact, no one is neither right nor wrong.
Think deeply, to the core of the matter.
Who was the one presumed the consequences?
Who was the one didn't take the worst scenario into the account?
Who's the one always taking almost everything else for granted?!

You, the one who had made the choice, the decision.
You are the one should be blamed off when things around you went wrong.
It's your problems, not others.
Cos' the only problem you have is that you think that you're always right.
For your sake, you are so damn wrong..

Do you know you are just a fool?
Do you realize that nobody really takes care of you?
Do you know that even the closed one, couldn't even stand your awfully disgusting attitudes?
Do you know that??
Like always, I could tell, you don't!

For god's sake, this is something that I don't have to get myself involved.
For my own sake, I don't want to get myself involved too.
Yes. I'm furious. I'm kinda annoyed. I'm somehow disappointed.
But this is how a person who REALLY takes care on you will feel about!!
Still, I don't want to get myself involved in all these shits, not even a bit.

Trapped

2010-02-23T22:27:00.002+08:00

I've been listening to Rosie's Lullaby by Norah Jones for all day. The soothing musics are just making me wondering.. There are so many words I want to say, but I couldn't really have someone right beside me to listen to what I want to say..

When people told me that I shouldn't really have done something that I wasn't really supposed to do. I'm thinking.. You may feel that way, but I'm not. Cos' at least I know that what I'm doing is good to me, I feel so right to do it. Ya, I know I could have done other things instead of, like example, diving.. I find that it's a piece of something that belongs to me, it's something that I would do for my entire life and it gives me a peace of my mind, even set me free from the tensions. You may think that it's not necessary, but you are not me, so I guess you might just do the same thing if you were me. In fact, you aren't. So, diving, is something I would live doing it.

Sometimes, I just need someone to be with me. Doing what I'm doing, not really have to talk to me or anything. Just being there, do what they want, be a living object (that's how I call it) that right in my sight. At least it makes me feel a little less alone. Cos' I know that there's someone around..

I don't know what's going wrong with me. I just think a lot about anything, especially in the middle of the silent night. Listening to a bitter song, wondering and writing down what in my big head. It makes me feel better by doing so. Sometimes, I wonder that is it a good thing or bad thing? Considering doing it makes me feel better, so, I think it's a good thing.. Cos' I won't mess up my life with nonsenses.. And I don't want to .

For some reasons, I want to have a few days getaway to the beach. It doesn't really matter if I'm going alone. I just want to go to beach, step on the sands, feel the winds, listen to the sound of waves hitting on the beach, have some drinks, enjoy the peace.. I know these make me feel better, but I just hardly materialize it when I'm so eager to do it in no time..

I'm like stuck in the middle of nowhere. Despite of doing what I'm supposed to do, I don't really enjoy doing it. It's something that I have to do, I have to complete.. and I'm doing it. Just that it can't give me what I really wanted. How long does it take me to where I want to be? I'm waiting, I'm taking actions.. still I don't get to see and have what I really wanted..

Come walk with me.. sing with me.. dance a little with me.. booze with me.. dive with me.. sit beside me.. Come be with me. I just need a right person to be with, not really have to be a partner, just a friend would do.. How long does it last? The feeling of needing someone.. It's been such hell to me, at some points, for sometimes.. But right now, all I can do is just close my eyes.. dream about what I couldn't be able to do.. Drifting around in dreams, and wish that the dreams.. would be granted soon.. real soon..

Written by,
Ryan Ng

Connecting and disconnected

2010-02-18T06:26:00.002+08:00

Year by year.. People come into our life just like Touch n' Go. Some stayed and some left. When we looked back to where we were, we somehow will reminisce the great times we spent together among with our friends. We will miss that, but we didn't really ask for that to be happened again, for some reasons. Cos' there's a long period of disconnection between us..

Think about it.. Did they leave us? Or we, ourselves, are actually the one who have left them?

In times, we will find that there are some people who are always around us. We share most of the hardships and joys together, have real great moments like we ever had.. So, we somehow stick together, like forming a group of few people. Sooner or later, the other people will categorize us as a group. Whatever gathering we would have, we would gather all the group members and show up together. When the bond is getting stronger, we even plan for the future. Where and when shall we go for a vacation? and even imagine that would we still be together as a group in the future..

Who would you call when you have something to tell or when you face some problems and you need a listener? You check your contacts full of hundreds or even thousands of numbers.. Scrolling up and down.. Who would you call eventually? The people who you would call, are the friends you needed the most. A friend in need, is a friend indeed. Don't it? :)

For me, I like to have good conversations with my friends. Even sometimes we were just gossiping, talking trash and making jokes.. If you feel good in the middle of the conversation, then it is. Sometimes, we just wish that the time hasn't come as we didn't want to end the good conversation we are having.. cos' this doesn't come easily!

For the friends (especially someone!) who live in some godforsaken place hundreds miles away from me. I just wish that we could meet up a.s.a.p. Chatting all day long just like what we used to. I hope all of you are well and safe.

Written by,
Ryan Ng

A crap about everything that happened in just one week

2010-02-11T06:20:00.002+08:00

I'd been having a merry-go-around with all the craps that I brought to myself for months.. too much why.. A couple of day ago, I had a short conversation with my godbrother after we left the mall. Spitting out my problems with him..

He told me that :"From what I heard, you seem to be having problems. But in the end of your conversation, I think that you already have the solutions. I think what you need to do is just to take action. That's it!"

I was speechless and I acknowledged it for quite sometimes actually. Just that I didn't really take a single step forward. Fooling myself and wasting times. Well.. this is the truth at least.. I must waste no time, plan had been made, just start it already..
A lot of things happened in these few weeks, not only me, including the people I really care about. They are all trapped in hardship.. works, family, relationship and even some unavoidable-annoying-bullshits.. Exchanging point of view, unleashing the deep-down feelings and sharing. Hope they are well and safe every day :)

When we really take some time out to get to know what's happening to our dearest friends, we will find that there's always a story behind their smiley face.. Covered their sadden-looking inner with a happy face. But things always doesn't seem how it's supposed to be. That's why, I always say that we shouldn't take things for granted. Of course, we can't completely do so, cos' we're just human beings after all.. Just not to take 'every'things for granted. That's it.

Chinese New Year is so near as if I could touch it.. Well, soon enough, it comes and it goes.. At some points, I feel like this year is the year I should accomplish a big goal for myself. A big one.. I'm still figuring it out that what's the next big goal. It could be made up from many small goals.. I'm trying to accomplish them one by one.. It's not just about talking big and not doing a shit thing. I'm gonna take actions, in fact, I already have :)

I think I'm just back to who I was. Realized that I wasn't really being myself for sometimes for some reasons and I just got myself in hell again, but it wasn't that bad after all.. Cos' things seemed to change in a good way, I guess.. I have a rigid personality, but I'm not an egotism person.. At least I've been told that I'm sort of having 'rational egoism'.. That's pretty good, huh.. isn't it? lol..

Another night just gone by, another crap had been written.. Don't take it too personal and serious when you read my craps, cos I'm just sharing the craps. As I said before, you may not get what I'm getting at. (This gotta be the one last time I'm saying this, I'm fucking sick of saying it! =p)

Yet, to all the silent-craps-readers, I wish every single one of you A Happy Chinese New Year with all the good energies, well-spirits and happiness fall on ya.. For those who has a career, may you all be blessed with Superb Prosperous throughout the year! 'Ong ah!! Huat ah!! Better don't pokkai and get screwed by your boss ah!! (Screw them! Before they try to screw you!) LOL~
Ciao, people! xoxo

Written by,
Ryan Ng

潜梦 (Diving.. in dream..)

2010-01-25T12:39:00.001+08:00

当我看见有许多水泡环绕着我身旁
没有助浮衣没有潜水镜没有氧气筒
这一刻我才发现我正在潜在海水中
我所看到的一切是如此的清晰透明

我自由自在地在水中翱翔
没有负荷没有烦恼只顾着寻寻觅觅不停的前进
我不感到寂寞也不会惆怅
因为只有这样我才能解脱轻轻松松地四处游荡

退潮涨潮也只不过是吸引力的作用
也许是月球渴望着拥有海洋的蓝星
它不断尝试把海洋吸附在它的身上
但那距离太遥远它只能无奈的归让

我自由自在地在水中翱翔
没有负荷没有烦恼只顾着寻寻觅觅不停的前进
我不感到寂寞也不会惆怅
因为只有这样我才能解脱轻轻松松地四处游荡

也许太喜欢也许太梦幻当我再睁开眼
原来这一切只不过是一场太真实的美梦..

著 - 黄瑞铭

夜

2010-01-24T22:05:00.002+08:00

黑夜的凉风能否再冷一点？
仿佛深夜里的海风，无情又冷酷。
为何深夜会是如此的寂静，
寂静得让我觉得更清醒，更孤独。

我不是个夜猫子，只因为我喜欢深夜的空气。
她是如此冷淡，却令我多么沉迷也让我感到心疼。

周末的夜晚，令我想站在山顶上，
让我的眼神停留在辉煌又迷乱的城市。
手握着酒瓶，抬起头把啤酒狂饮，
酒的甘苦却无法让我把烦恼抛在脑后。

我不是个夜猫子，只因为我喜欢深夜的宁静。
望着漆黑的她，不停叹着息.. 我的未来在什么地方？

著 - 黄瑞铭

Diving vs. Relationship

2010-01-07T20:55:00.003+08:00

Every relationships we have been through in our life is just like we're diving. Before we jump into water, we prepare the fundamental equipments and get ourselves ready in it. We check, we prepare, we make a leap and jump into water. Splashhhhh~~

At first, we will be floating on the surface before we really get down into water. The waves may be rough, hitting us now and then. Soon enough, we confirm that we can safely get down and then, we descend slowly. When we have descended to a certain level, we start drifting around, searching and looking for the beautiful things. Well, of course we may have expected to see something beautiful before we're in it. These process is just like what would happen when we put ourselves in a relationship. We expected something would happen between each other and most of the time, we're blinded by the beautiful moments that we have. Sooner or later, there's something we didn't take into the account would follow by, the current (means the dramas as well).

The current is unpredictable as if the dramas or problems occurred when we have a relationship. It happens spontaneously, unpredictable.. We quarrel with our partner, fight each other and we get hurt, heart broken and lost if we didn't overcome it. Like the current, we would never know how strong the current is, how far it would push us to. If we wouldn't have the strength to fight and overcome it, we might end up being pushed by it to a middle of nowhere. And we're lost in the water; like we lost ourselves in a relationship. And follows by panicking, anxious and struggling.
At the second thought, we will question ourselves :
"Why must we put ourselves in this hell? We lost and there's nothing we had got.. What's that for?"
Well, if we would be able to fight and overcome the current. We'll find that there are more beautiful things ahead waiting for us. We bring the relationship to the next level and keep going on..

Among divers, we have a quote:
"A bad dive is a great dive cos' every dives is actually a new dive."
Yeah.. Eventhough the water is muddy, blurred and the visibility of the water is so bad. But still, it's considered as a new experience which not everyone else would be able to experience. Again, it's just like the dramas happened in the relationship.. We would never have the same experience again. But only is it dramatic enough to bring us down??

Remember, we're just a human being. Ground is where we belong to. In the end, we still have to ascend to the surface cos' the air is running low, we eventually need to take a break, reinstate and change a new oxygen tank and get ready to make another dive again. Having a relationship doesn't mean that the couple would have to stick together 24/7, 365 days.. Both of them need some break time, have their private moments to do whatever they feel like want to do, restore anything they needed and get together again. That's how we do before we make another dive. Basically, diving and relationship are having the same theories.. Understood it, making use of it, we could surely be able to enjoy the next level of excitement.

Diving and relationship.. There're exciting. There're always anticipating. There may get us exhausted, make us feel like wanna give up in the halfway if we are not able to fit ourselves in it. Yet, it can be harmful, in the worst case, it can be fatal.. Cos' diving is an extreme sport after all! (Aren't we always reading the news about the gf/bf suicided when their relationship blown off??)

Well, all I'm getting is just to share the common things between diving and relationship. If it's good, it would be so fantastic, and so beautiful as it seems to be. Otherwise, we just put our ass in hell again, and live in the misery, traumatize us day by day and lost...

That one perfect thing

2010-01-03T03:35:00.004+08:00

How fast it was..
How many years had gone by.. Day by day, year by year..
How many people had entered in our life and how many people gone away..
How much we wish that we could live the life that we wanted to..
And how would it become as we would encounter a lot of unknown obstacles which already are there waiting for us?
How would it turn out to be?

There is a void in me, an empty place which can only be filled by one thing.
Seeking and searching for that one perfect fit, that thing will fill that void..
Money, achievements, careers, materials, relationships, power, fame and dreams..
But these things, are so attractive they seem to be. However, it still couldn't truly fulfill the inner longing..

I don't know what that is, that one can fill the void. And I wonder what it is..
Sometimes. No.. Most of the time, I was blinded by all the things that I had seen..
Seeing really isn't a believing sometimes, ain't it?
I can't keep sitting, waiting and hoping..
Going on, move forward and I won't turn back..
Fill the void, by searching that one perfect thing to find my heart its home..

Hide and seek

2009-12-14T20:53:00.000+08:00

Just like usual, I went to starbucks nearby my campus after class. Having flu and sore throat, and late for class for 40 eff-ing minutes (thanks to the "LRT's unusual delayed"). I thought today isn't going to be a good day. While I was reading newspaper, there's something caught my attention.. There were two kids playing hide and seek in starbucks..

When we were a child, hide and seek was one of our most favorite childhood games and we would spent a long time to have fun with. Hiding inside a cupboard, cabinet, under the bed or anywhere else that could fit us in. With age, our size is getting bigger and we stop playing hide and seek. But there're certain things we do not stop hiding, we hide our opinions, our mistakes, our flaws, our past, our emotions and of course, our secrets. We play the hide role and hope that there's no one would be able to discover it. There's one thing for sure, we couldn't avoid the "seekers" as long as we have hidden something inside ourselves.. In the worst case, we might even hide from the law (faked income reports and etc.. you think about it..).

The more we hide, the more it would somehow unwittingly be revealed, discovered by someone through our personalities, our actions or our words. What follows, isn't what we could be able to control, the "someone" - seeker, appeared and intended to discover what we have had hidden behind as their curiosity was tickled by what they had observed on us. They wanted to know more and explore. Therefore, the game has begun..

In times, we hid and concealed the secrets within us as deep as we could. So, it's up to the gamers who is better in hiding or better in seeking. As a hider, we even put lies layer by layer to conceal and the seekers are trying to tear it apart to look into the core. Soon, the troubles and dramas follow by.

In the end of the game, there are only two results for always. The hiders win or the seekers. If hiders win, they are so glad and relieved that no one is going to know what they had hidden within them. And, if seekers win, the game isn't where it ends. It's just a whole new beginning again with four stages of the outcome of revealing the secrets:
Denial
Anger
Bargaining
and, Acceptance...

Opinions.. The calls that confirm our answer we already have?

2009-11-29T14:15:00.006+08:00

When we're heading towards an outcome that's hard or too horrible to face, that's when we go looking for a second opinion. We look for opinions from someone else hoping that we will get the opinion which we think it's good..

Perhaps, I shall say that we somehow already know what's the answer that we're looking for and we just need to confirm our inner calling by asking others to check out who has the same thinking as ours.. In the end, we would surely get the opinion which is exactly same as what we have in our mind.. So, we accepted the opinion given by that person and in the mean time, the confirmation has been done..

Sometimes, the answer we get just confirms our worst fears or our answer which had been made before we look for opinion from others.. But sometimes, it can shed new light on the problem, make you see it in a whole new way. The fears are fading away, new light shedding through the path and we are relief that we had finished off the doubts or problems that we got.. But..

But the problem is, we have a lot of questions about the new way that we already started going on.. After all the opinions have been heard and every point of view has been considered, we finally find what we were after.. The truth! But the truth isn't where it ends , that's just where we begin again with a whole new set of questions..

Starbucks(outdoor) in KLCC

2009-11-19T13:31:00.007+08:00

After the only class I have on every Thursday which ends on 9.30am.. I'm having my favorite iced mocha at starbukcs in KLCC again. Sitting at the same table, same drinks, same views and do nothing.. I didn't even know how many times I had been there for these few months, I could even recognize all the staff. And today, I finally had a short conversation with one of the female senior staff..

"I would like to have one Iced mocha, grande size and without cream."
"Won't you like to try other drinks instead of mocha? Your order is always the same" She asked me while she's making my Iced mocha.
"Haha, I came here too frequent and you even know I only ask for iced mocha. It's the same all the time, I guess it would still be the same", I said.
"You don't like the taste of pure coffee?" She looked really curious..
"I do, but I love mocha the most."
"Enjoy your mocha, I hope I would make other drinks for you in one day." She passed the mocha to me with a grin.
"Haha.. It's hard to say that.. I like the iced mocha here cos' you guys shaken it thoroughly, unlike Pavilion, You could see a thick layer of concentrated choco at the bottom of the cup."
"Really? So the mocha here tasted better?"
"Well, if it isn't, I don't think I will come here every Thursday & have the same drink." Replied with a grin.
"Hahaha.. See you next Thursday and have a nice day."
"You too, have a good day. Thanks for the good mocha!"

I felt kinda delighted after having the short conversation with her. Spending an hour at there, reading book, listening to musics and thinking of what should I write in this week. Seems like I have lesser inspiration recently.. Clueless and have no inspiration.. Everytime I started writing something, I deleted all at the end. Cos' I don't feel right on what I'd written..

I think I should change my writing style like what I used to. More variety? And more craps? lol.. Who knows.. Sometimes I just shocked myself after writing what I got in my mind. I hope I would have another shock soon.. lol

Indefinable feelings..

2009-11-15T19:16:00.001+08:00

I've been thinking about a matter since last weekend.. What should I do to spend the free time? And someone told me I have to find something meaningful to do.. Yea.. I'm thinking of that, but I still couldn't get the answer.. All these days, everytime I woke up from my bed, I wanted to to write something down but I couldn't do so.. I don't have the inspirations and ideas.. There're lot of times that I'd written something down and then I deleted it..

Going out for a meal with friends, shop around, going for a movie or karaoke are most common activities for a student in KL.. I love watching movies, but I'm not really a cinema person.. Karaoke? Once in a long while.. Needless to say, I shop only when I have extra $$.. Besides all these activities, I rather.. I prefer going to beach or somewhere peaceful where I could walk around or sightseeing..

I have a thought of going to beach alone, backpack.. Maybe Langkawi.. Well, frankly, I wish I could go to Bali.. Sitting in a good bar or pub, grab some drinks, chit chat, enjoy the leisure and peacefulness.. Just as simple as that.. And this is what I really want to do.. But.. Alone? It's just a thought.. only a thought.. Who knows sooner or later, I would just pack up and get out from where I stay now..

Someone might have misunderstood me and told me I sounded like I'm lonely.. Well, as a matter of fact, I'm NOT lonely at all. It's just a feeling that you may have when you really feel that :"I think I really need to do something to refresh myself." Oh ya.. Everyone has different ways to ease themselves, you have yours and I have mine. This is just the way how and what I want it to go.. Just take me to the beach...

归宿

2009-11-11T17:34:00.000+08:00

总是一个人穿梭在人群中
擦身而过了多少陌生面孔
一个人站在拥挤的捷运上
一路的风景让我感到惆怅

窗外的风景还是依然不变
过去的一切我不想去留恋
我有理想和目标要去实现
跟带给我痛苦的人说再见

我一直在寻找属于我的落脚处
不停的回顾有时让我感到无助
就算路途会多么的坎坷和辛苦
我还是会抬起头一直的往前走
走到让我落脚的归宿不再回顾..

-著-
黄瑞铭

Touch 'n Go

2009-11-10T17:13:00.000+08:00

Living in the city where it looks so wonderful in the night. Walking on the streets which fulled with hundreds or even thousands of strangers most of the days.. New faces, never been seen before. Stumbled across the familiar one, but never knew each other.

"How far are we to one another?"
This is what we think of when someone we know is/are with us..

"How close are we to one another?"
This is what we think of when we newly meet and get to know someone..

People get into our life as if using Touch 'n Go to tab on the panel. We get on board, we travel through times and places then we drop at our destination. Only the special persons, would travel all the way long with us, like our family, best female/male friend/s, our life partner and even some people who we could barely notice them out that he's/she's/they are (considered including in good and bad persons) actually by our side all the time. We need to pay just a little bit of attention to find them out. But most of us, and most of the time, we do miss it.

Every now and again, look around. You, willl never be alone..

A new journey has begun.. Let's talk craps!!

2009-11-10T14:02:00.000+08:00

I've been thinking of having a blog again* ever since I started posting some craps in my Facebook and surprisingly, I have some readers. Their compliments had made me concerning on having a new blog. Well, at least I should have a proper place to keep my craps. I feel Facebook is too 'crowded' sometimes.. So, here it is, my new blog. A place where I trash my craps and hope that someone would like it. There would be a lot of things coming on. Stay tune!